Ninjaearth’s blog

I"ve realized that that are many things that are not as they appear to be. In fact, on the outside one wouldn't think anything is wrong, but inwardly, the man is no fool. Deep down, I have a sense that I am beginning to see how many others view my person, my character. The way I present myself and things that they would never really admit in my face, but they do appear to be the case on the side. I've had a couple of incidents here when I was out with my brother and there have been situations in which he had admitted that he was smart too. I don't know if he thought that I wasn't smart or intelligent, but it was the way he said that made it seemed like I portrayed him as a "lesser" mind. I say that with ease and with difficulty because I am beginning to recall some other situations (involving other people) to which it may have played wrong. In other words, the impression I've been giving people to come across as a highly, intelligent, but intimidating and arrogant individual. In truth, this is far from what I am like, at least that last part.  I felt the need to write and get this out because I believe it helps draw me a step closer to why things haven't really worked out in my life in regards to relationships. At the same time, though, I am critical of myself; always have been, always will. I guess, then, I'm used to people having a criticism about me because I am critical of self; the way I want to be viewed is how I view others hoping to viewed in the same way in return.  On the other hand, I cannot and will not "play stupid" in such a way that I will not pretend to not know much about anything when I know about alot.

Don't get me wrong, the Bible says that knowledge puffs up but love covers a multitude of sins. Love is extremely important, but knowledge in itself is something that an individual can receive much of and in the end it can tend to make the person an arrogant and puffed up individual. I do not come across as arrogant, or that is not the intention of myself. I do claim to be humble and don't want to ever think that I know so much when I know very little. At the same time, however, I know alot of things and am not afraid of knowing just because I do know. There is a time for me to share this knowledge and there are times for me to withhold what I know for the benefit of helping others mature or simply just because it's time to be silent (not stupid). I know there are times when it seems like I know things and so well that it would seem like nothing gets into my head other than that. Such is the case of individuals that are well-educated and intelligent regardless of character. Granted, there are far many more people that know 50 times more than I ever will; I can't compete. I know in my earlier years my quest, my journey, my desire to learn, for knowledge, overwhelmed me. I guess that's why I embraced becoming a scientist because in that regard knowledge was the absolute power. I wanted to be one of the best, the one who knew so much that others didn't; it would give me a special power, a special feeling, something that would help others look at me and accept me. I wanted to be accepted, to be admitted in the circle. To much avail, though, it didn't and doesn't matter; I am no longer a scientist-in-training but a man torn by so many degrees that I have developed a casual attitude towards life with little hope of finding ways to permanently make things better. Maybe it's because I matured so soon, sooner than most guys my age in times past, but may it's because of the wisdom I developed, given to me by the Lord first, and then built on by my mother, her shared experiences, the advice and mentoring of others that have come into my life, and the combination of my own failures, losses, and successes. I do know this: I cannot help the things that I do know. I went to school for a reason and I have developed a worldview, a theology (or theologies), a way to help view the experiences given to me each day. To some, I may seem like I'm in left field, but is that such a bad thing? Is it a bad thing for man, a highly intelligent black man that wants nothing more than to share what he's learned despite my so-called "young age" without the fear and feeling of belittling or intimidating someone?! Maybe, just maybe, it's how the women of the past were in my life. Maybe they felt unworthy, unequal, unmatched by my level of knowledge, the things I've been taught and experienced. It's nothing personal.....it's just that what part of the things that came out were really me or what part of that was being fearful of not being to handle what I can bring to the table and then some?

I deserve to take a critical test; I deserve people telling me how I really am. It's the only what I'm going to know the truth. However, as I said before, I cannot and will not pretend to be less than I who I am; I feel like I'm somewhere in my 30s but yet I am only 27 years old. It feels like there is alot that has happened, and wisdom itself grows in me like a tumor. Each day my brain brings to my attention the things of life and helps me soak up the realms of this life, the affairs of mankind, and the things there are to think about. At the same time, I've tried humbling myself more and more (and I still want and will seek to). it's important for me, as a Christian, to portray the right element of character for the sake of Christ. But at the same time, should I pretend not to be intelligent, highly knowledgeable, and full of wisdom (in general) when God has given me much to write about? Maybe that's the kicker: many my age probably haven't gotten to this point where it seemed like they so much older than they portray. I do know that all my friends are intelligent human beings and I trust them with something that others do not have. I also realize that most of them are making something of their lives and they are taking things to higher levels of life. Many of them are now married with only a handful of us still waiting to do the dream: marriage. And granted, I would even venture to say that a good portion of my friends are more qualified to make judgments about me than I am because they are incredible wise.

To be honest, don't know what I"m trying to say, but maybe there are some things I am still trying to understand. I am trying to understand why is just seems like accepting me as I am is so hard to do, in a love relationship level. Maybe it's for the reasons I specified, but then again maybe it's because I just go too far in being who I am? There are things that need to be changed; again, Christianity is about striving perfection towards the cross of Christ with knowing that as long as I live I will never be perfect, but I should try to be a better person with less mistakes and sin that I had 11 years ago. Errors are common, expected; I am not perfect. But at the same time, I cannot lose that which I have gained to know. I don't want to be cynical, but truthful; I know much for my age, in being 27, but yet at the same time, there are plenty of things that I don't know simply because others are smarter than me. And that's fine. Maybe it's one reason that many of the scholars had difficult lives and time associating with others because they were just so smart. I don't want anyone to feel that just because they hadn't had the same education or experiences that I did that's no reason to leave from me or think otherwise of me. My intention is to always learn from others and share what I know so that they can learn too so also I can learn from them. I have to be who I am...it's all I know how to be. There are over 100 million things I don't know; teach me those. I will teach ten things out of that 100 million to help you with your life. What do my friends really think of me? (sounds like an honesty box question); I know of myself that maybe I give people the wrong idea about me. I'm not arrogant; I'm not proud; I don't know anything compared to God. I am always learning, forever a student, but at the same time if I am mature enough to pass on what I know in wisdom then I have to do that. I have to share what I know and use what I know to help better the lives of others. At the same time, I know how little I am really confident in my own knowledge.

Should I pray about not having so much knowledge so that in the end I can be a fool? I know I've made some foolish choices but I cannot be a fool; but I am if I think that I don't any issues to deal with. I do, certainly indeed. If a woman feels that she's unworthy to be with me, then she's wrong and already has completely misunderstood who I am. This term "unworthy" doesn't exists with me. I am not one who thinks "Man, this person is inferior to me"; that's so wrong indeed. I'd never really think that of anyone and I hate that kind of thinking. At the same time, I am expecting people to trust me and meet with me on my level; if they can't, that's fine; I will meet them on theirs and help them grow together. Even so, though, no matter who "young" i appear to be, I am the person God created me to be and I will be myself always. If others are afraid of what I know, then I'm very sorry. Humility is something I really love and adore very much. I will use everything I've learned, experienced, and demonstrated in my life to help others; just like people go to school for different reasons and for different professions. I went to school to study about God so that I can know and learn more about myself, about other people, about life, about death. Should I put down everything just because someone takes it the wrong way? No, I can't do that. I can be careful, saying what I mean, letting people know that I"m not proud, not conceded, not so high that you need a blimp just to stay on my level. No....at the same though, I do want to be challenged; I also want to be trusted with what I know. I want to be treated like it really counts not just an opinion (at times when it's not an opinion) but huge, important, credible. Maybe that's my problem; just the fact that I am who I am that most cannot..no, will not....accept the things I say or even do or even just my character altogether. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about; I don't blame myself if ya dont. I do know that I've tried to compromise my beliefs to a fault at times and have even gone beyond my comfort zone when it comes to finding and acquiring what I want. In the end, both yielded the same result: I ended up alone. So, does and will it matter in the end to really want to find someone to just trust me or take my word for it?! I hope so...but even if not, not much I can do about anything anymore. But then again, this is me I'm talking about; sometimes I don't like myself and I struggle with the fact that many are younger than me and have received and carry out their dreams, some of the same goals, I am still yet to fulfill or achieve? It does make me mad, make me understand that many of my choices were bad. Since I am getting older I am believing more and more I may develop a full-life of contemporary loneliness. Simply for the fact that just realizing that although I've tried being with other people only in the end to either end up alone (with my faith) or end up with the only person in the world that molded many of my ways of thinking (aside from Scripture) which is my mother. Soon, at some point, I'll be in Kansas and there I have will a nice life (so I hope) but the real premise is that who would be willing to listen to my story, to hear my cry, to hear the struggles of my world, and the waining and wailing and fleeting desires of my heart? Who will seek to understand me instead of just letting the unspoken unintentional voices overrule all that they know about me? That's a good question. I've realized that I have lost several things over the past year...now it just seems like I"m losing more and more everyday; so be it. If I have to face life alone, at least Jesus is the only one that hasn't given up on me (apart from my circle of friends as well). Is it so hard to just want to be understood and to be trusted rather than just let down and then assumed that I've never come through for anything or am too much?  If so, then I guess I deserve nothing but solitude; then I embrace it gladly knowing that it's all I ever really had, even since the beginning. I can alone, I will go alone. All by myself, it's all I get to have afterall.

So I'm now working, volunteering in Sunday School, and going to school online. I've established a small haven in my mother's house, for the time being, and my life is slowly containing a foundation that is solid enough to stand on it's own, to a degree. I give my time serving at the school working with autistic and disabled children as a teacher assistant. I am putting the truth of the Lord in the minds of the children at Sunday School as well as facing the daily examination of living for Christ or lack thereof. I am giving my time to help others whether I'm paid or not and the great thing is that everyone is essentially getting their needs met. Well, almost everyone. Today at Christ the King the pastor began his 40 days of love series that will focus on renewing the people's heart to serve each other with love and loving the Lord with our entire being. In doing so, certain things are coming to the surface of my heart. As my facebook status indicated earlier, this is the hardest thing for me to really work on. For two reasons, for the most part; the main two issues I have with this are very personal but not surprising to a single, black man in his late twenties. The first problem I have in understanding love (by that I simply mean application wise putting love in proper context) is that I had always (up to a point maybe a year or so ago) associate love with a type of feeling (i.e. I love you). The second problem is that while putting love in it's proper respect, the feeling of "whatever" cannot be associate with love, and so what is it that I feel?

Today, the pastor spoke about love more specifically in regards to loving God and loving those around you. Time was given in application to include those who are considered love ones. Since this is mostly a spiritual application, love is necessary as a believer because it identifies us as God's children; without love, no one can love God or love their neighbor; if one isn't characterized by love, then they are characterized as wicked and selfish because God is love and it is a gift from God that we all love one another. Without that gift, love, for humanity and neighbors and God Himself, is not possible (in the sense of how God loves in dealing with people). So, that part I understand. That's not my problem. MY problem goes towards specific love that I would feel for a certain individual say like someone very important to me (hypothetically speaking). As my mom put it this way when we talked about the sermon on the way home in the car: if had to choose between going with my wife to a function that only included the participation of her friends and herself or watching my favorite tv show (Supernatural) which would I choose? Well, the most obvious answer would be going with my wife and giving up my show that I love so much because I "love" her more. Even in thinking about this, this is my "expected" reaction because this is the right one to choose. And I know I would, despite the temptation to stay home and watch my tv show. Again, choosing what is right is not my problem. But, the issue of "feeling" is my issue.  This, however, has come at a price for me in the past, a few times.

My mom simply stated that I would know whether or not I loved someone because I will make the right choice. I laughed, to be honest, because I really knew that I in the past I loved someone. I knew it, I just did. In the end, however, that wasn't enough. The "love" I felt for her was so great that she was everything to me. I was only a teenager, but despite the ill guises of the teenage life I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I felt something different than I ever did before. In the end, though, love wasn't enough. That same love slowly turned to sadness and hurt and the "feeling" of love disappeared and began to turn into abhorment and bitterness. Giving her up to her vices and letting her go her own way was very hard because I had feared that I wouldn't ever see or hear from her every again. I had history with this person and she meant everything to me. I was there for her in times of extreme circumstances and listened to things that I never told anyone. But yet, in the end, betrayal and choosing to darken her heart and not enlightened it separated us for good: no, love did that. I believed in love, she didn't. In the end, I questioned it. My heart ached, feelings wavered, and emotions became a dark corner of a hidden cellar that stored the history of all of this and has became a swine song. The euphoric feeling of "love" and the high and mightiness that comes with it was never felt again.

The next relationship was hard too, but what made it hard was trying to discover what I really felt. Was it love? Was it just plain lust? Was it strong affection, heavy connectedness? I'm not sure. I do know that in that relationship had never gotten so close a woman like that before. I kept looking for that euphoric feeling that made me smile and happy to be around her. Unfortunately, at that time, so much was going on with me and her that it was hard to enjoy the times. We had our bad times and our good times; there are moments that are my favorite even now, when I look back on it. It gave me a sense of being free, but yet being bound, especially by my emotions. I was trapped in my own Silent Hill where I was forced to face my dark past, my unreconciled feelings, and the desires of my heart; in the end, I had to make a choice. I did. To be honest, no matter which way I play out alternate scenarios, it would have likely ended with me leaving Kansas anyway because I needed to know something: I needed to know which path to choose in life. I had been chasing a dream of finding "the one" so long that chased visions and dreams that led me to and fro in both meaningful and dangerous places. I have picked up some bad habits indeed and I"m working on some of them now, although some are harder to break and some I just say "what the heck" and let it roll. I shouldn't do that, but deep down, it's like I don't have anything else so it's like why not?! Nevertheless, despite the flares and glares of that relationship, it brought me to someone that is still close to my heart. I'll come back to that in a moment.

The very last relationship I had was a mindopener and purely the "red pill, blue pill" of my present attitude and approach for future relationships or lack thereof. The focal point of doing what's best for the other person seemed so simply it was really wonderful because it took the pressure of trying not to please myself so much. However, on the flip side, I wanted to make her happy and I wanted to do what's best for her. But, even that came at a price: the ultimate freedom and liberty and opportunity for her to trust me and believe that things will work out according to the faith. I had decided to even compromise the very values I hold as dear (to a fault) while trying to step up as a leader to finally form a solid plan for life. But no matter, in the end, it ended as well. Suddenly, or not so suddenly, things came to a crashing halt. I had even begin to feel somewhat euphoric and lively again after some years of having that wonderful feeling hiding dormant. I had felt so trapped, so bound in the last one that it was finally good to be free and fly like a bird. But at the same time, it was refreshing to move on. But it was only by moving on and sacrificing as much as I could, without being irrational, that I also paid a price. In the end, I decided that I just didn't know the feeling of love anymore and that knowing who "the one" is for life would be an unlikely task. I felt that in the end, whether I compromised as much as possible or stuck to my values, it all ended the same way. So, what's the point? The value of love is just so great that it has the power to break you.

Today, however, as I was listening to the pastor share his sermon, I began to think and wander around in my head. I thought about the people I've waited more time with in my life. I thought about my dad, whom I lost in March, and the last moments I had with him. I did cry, but just a little, not in a wailing hard sense of crashing tears. With number of people I know and knew in life, I have shed tears for very few. It's not that I don't or didn't care about them, but I just didn't cry or cry as I would have liked to. Deep down, I guess the closest one gets to the center of my heart the most tears show and the more intense the feelings of lost occurs. For my dad, the lost was great, but it wasn't a deep connecting lost; maybe it's because he was my stepfather and to attempt a natural bond with someone not biological connected to me is very difficult. How much they invest in nurturing that connection I guess is the key. Still, though, I wasn't done. Then, as the pastor got into discussing that we all love to spend time with those we love, I thought I one particular person.  She was initially my first thought; why would that happen, I wonder? They say that when you're in love so many things happen; I'm no stranger to those things and I won't be bother going through in detail with them. Still, though, I remember that during those dark times of our life when we were together that she believed that I did love; it was my actions, from her point of view, that determined that I really loved her. I so adamant that I didn't because again I wasn't heartfelt enough in feeling to "express that." Still, I knew that I cared deeply for her, passionate for her. Granted no one is perfect and we all have stuff to work on, she was having some dark times in her life that unfortunately conflicted with some of my own. Trying to tell her to move on and encourage her to do what she believed was best was very hard. As a matter of fact, I found myself being jealous of her when she started moving on. I didn't get like that before; me, jealous? Where did that come from? Jealousy isn't part of love, but of the flesh (of the natural mind of the sinful soul). However, wanting her to be happy was the main objective. Still, though, I thought of this person during the sermon. In many ways, however, it wasn't really appropriate, I must admit. However, I spent so many years believing that I didn't love her. But honestly, when I thought about having time with someone, I thought of her. I thought of her trying to work out all the issues of her life without selfishly trying to get a piece of the pie.

I thought of her needs, how I could fulfill them, and what honestly would be best for her and her son(...this is a clue obviously, as I cannot name her in this specific regard and is the only way to remain in the shadows of this post). I know I wasn't ready for a lot of things and even some of the core values I believe deeply keep that consummation of togetherness as a barrier that shouldn't be crossed. I remember her telling me that she believed I loved her. While I was thinking about this, I thought about what the pastor was talking about and I felt something. It wasn't pretty; I felt God tugging, pulling, and saying "open up". He wanted to work on this area of my life; it wasn't just her, but just the area in general. Just knowing that it's not so easy for me to love anymore. In fact, how I tell how I love someone? God loves me because He sent Jesus Christ to take my death on the cross and paid off my sin debt. He loved me enough to not kill me that night when He appeared to me in a dream; He gave me life, He gave me hope, He gave me another opportunity to have life abundantly. I know I haven't been the fruitful Christian I should be after 11 years, but I am still thankful that despite what I do He will never forsake me; this doesn't eliminate my responsibility to live a holy life as mandated. However, how do I show someone that I love them? More specifically, how do I tell someone that I deeply care about "I love you" with the same euphoric feeling that proves that? Love isn't an emotion, I know that; so what do I feel then when apparently "I'm in love"? Euphoria? Call it what you want.....I'm tired of trying to figure it out; I do want to know what that is, but even if I never find out what it is, I still want to say "I love you" without the missing proof of that emotion that gives it the flair. Actions, however, are the determiners of whether or I not I love someone. In the end, maybe she was right. Maybe I did love her; maybe I do love her. But I can't do more than that not because it's no longer likely for us to be together. Moving on is hard; but I must. And I have, but it's not the same. I tried to the last time and I got shot down. I don't know if I can love ever again; I'm afraid to. I don't want to let it in; but, I know I that I need to. I need God to tear down my heart and help me love again. But it hurts.....I've stop trying to determine if a woman is the one or not and am simply going to take the woman God gives to me that will simply choose to be willing to be my wife. I won't know who she is until she we are finally married. These 40 days of love for will be difficult; I want to love, but I don't know how. Real, romantic love is fleeting and I want it so badly, but at the same time it's too expensive. So I love a woman that I shouldn't but that's for me to deal with me. I respect her and I stand here as a friend who will help her without whatever. I'm connected to her and that won't go aaway. I am hoping to form a new connection oneday, but when that will be I don't know. If something ever happened and we could finally reunite, that would be good, but it would be selfish. In the end, all is considered done so I can't "say" that. I just have to wait and see.; will I ever love a woman again with my emotions? I can try, but it will take time. It will take everything; I'm in pain,right now. So, if I am to be alone for the rest of my life, then I must face the misery with God alone and live in suffering so that peace in heaven will be my reward, even if my reward comes to nothing in heaven and I'm left with the eternal life God gave to me. So be it; I can't stop my life, but darn it, I have needs too. In the end, I struggle with this and am just being what I can right now. In the end, the pain is my own; whenever God and if ever God chooses to relieve my pain, that's on Him. As for me, I will take it one day at a time. Love, romance, rather, for now....it makes me sick. But yet, that what makes me sick also makes me weak and makes me want it even all the more. This...is the true me, I guess. What woman wants me? Who cares? To be alone is what I have left now...I may be still young, but that doesn't keep me from death. Live with the Lord each day, as the only thin in the end that is assured is God's promise to make all suffering end. That's...all....I....have.....left.

Finally, after two and half months of desperate searching God has blessed me a job. Not just a job, but a career. Not just a career, but the career that I have chosen by means of careful prayer and faith stepping. Not only that, but the career with the intended party has been accomplished. Not only that, but being a helping hand around the house and caretaker to my little sister and driver for the family have all been going very well. I have had more time with my little sister than I have had with my little brother; I've had time with my mom more than both of my siblings. I've had time with my little brother more than I've had with my father (when he was still here). While all of this is great, I even had time to spend at a church (that I'm not a member of) spending time helping out in the children/family ministry; I will begin teaching Sunday school in about a couple of weeks. I begin my first day of full-time paid and passionate work tomorrow at 7:20am. I get my first steady paycheck on the 11th of the month. Not only that, I get benefits that begin next month; I also begin to start paying off small bills and debts within the next couple of months. In all, things seem to be going very well. So....it kinda seems that way, but in reality, this is all surfaced compared to what happens in the inner layer of my being.

For the unbeliever, they always have a sense of emptiness, the lack of life and answers; those are fulfilled when Christ becomes the answer to everything. For the believer, Christ is life. Life makes sense, to a degree, and the mysterious longing for a greater love is essentially fulfilled; life's purpose is discovered in glorifying the Almighty Lord Jesus Christ. However, the human fallibility still remains because we are not perfect. In fact, we are far from it in present sanctification (perfected in glorification). Living the life of a productive, seasoned believer after 11 years has had it's toll on me. Yet, however, despite the progress of maturing spiritually and having been exposed to so many things, life still comes to me at such a blur. It seems like repeats of my earlier years hang above me and beg me to just be complacent. Can't do that....but even as I try to move forward, the same struggles I've had when I entered Christ kingdom as a  young babe believer I still have today. Namely, the companionship of other believers that are able to edify and help deduce the inadequacy of living a lone ranger sword-slinging path. Granted, I've been blessed to have been part of my posse back at WBC and even at previous churches. Those were some of the best times of my life, despite some immature decisions I made during all my years of college (including online). Nevertheless, the same thing seems to happen when I leave school or a community and attempt to reroot myself in one place: the feeling of being only one of the kind, just another lonely person out in the branch of a cruel world searching for just another person to cling hands with and smile and laugh together. That is something I need right now....

I've been in a number of relationships and the past two have been positive life changers despite their unfortunate departures. In my first "real" relationship (not first in terms of relationship involvements however) I learned about how selfish I was and how just real I was in really knowing what I wanted. Thanks to that relationship, I was able to re-evaluate my value system and help affirm the things I have come to believe as Scriptural truth. Not only that, I have called into question what I feel is "love" and determine if feeling something special for someone is enough to really declare that person as a the soul destined partner of my being. I have also comforted the monsters inside of me to help me cope with ridiculous behaviors and attitudes that I never thought I had. In the end, I learned the same lesson as I did when I lost my "first love": you never know how special something is until you lose it. In my last relationship, it took me by complete surprise. I had to reaffirm what love is through the Biblical meaning of love (which is portrayed as an act, not an emotion,not something to be felt). Even 1 Corinthians 13 that talks about love doesn't necessarily tell what love is, but describes love as "patient, kind" not this or that. The Bible seems to deal with love as if it is something that must be done, demonstrated, lived up to. To put it simply, as Jesus did, love God with with all your entire being and love your neighbor as yourself. My last relationship began to shy away from just looking at what I wanted to do, but what was best for the other person. In as much as I compromised (more than I ever did before) I was still not without particular barriers that were difficult to maintain. No matter what I did though, it seems as though fear gripped the hearts of us both clouded with uncertainty.  In the end, I lost another. Gotta say that it hurt and was somewhat unexpected (a terrifying dream occurred just a month or so before that). Nevertheless, it was after this that I shut up my heart and decided that just jumping into another relationship  was too much worth the risk. I'm getting much to old now to be jumping in head first; it didn't seem like whether I compromised all things to the ends of the earth or stuck with potential values that really defined who I was: in the end, all seemed to end the same. It reminds me of what Solomon said, all is vanity. Granted, this isn't in the context I"m using it; the more appropriate application from Solomon's writing would be that all things eventually end one way or another; doesn't matter how one approaches things in life. The appointed end awaits all things, in various manners. So, what in the world does any of this have to do with what I'm about to say: everything!!!! It has everything do to with it.

The reason is because while I've lost some great gals along the way the bottomline is that I am still responsible for looking at my past failures and find a reason why it seems like I'm just a good friend, a nice guy. There are reasons why many can consider me just a nice guy but nothing more than that. I can be indecisive only because it's really hard to just make a split-second decision on the matters of life; I am getting better at making decisions, however. The biggest part of this is knowing; knowing what I want to do, who I am, where I want to be. These decisions I made within the past year while working at Hamilton. Part of this formed when I spoke to an elder at my last church (that I was a member of) and some of things he spoke about came to life. This spawned some thinking and I began to really "catch up" to what I should have decided to do: build the foundation to my life. This is where Kansas comes into play; if a man is to build anything, he needs to know what he has in terms of resources and he needs to build where he has the most advantage. I have extreme advantage in Kansas with connections and the cost of the economic factors (with the right job). Not to mention that if I had stayed I would have had enough money to eventually invest in my education that's now placed on hold until further notice, with the exception of the opportunity I am seeking online. Not only that, but I began to slowly build a life there that would have eventually paved the way to various other opportunities for me to serve in ministry in the pastoral role like I did when I was at my very first church. Nevertheless, it was also because of Kansas that I realize what I now want to do and where I want to be. But the same factor applied there that applies to both my college institutions: connection, belonging, involvement, social grouping, being with another like myself. I am lacking that right now. I find it interesting that the church that I serve in right now is seeking to fulfill the needs of the congregation, but yet one of the needs that I have is not present. And...I'm helping out to serve and fulfill a need that they have. In the  end, however,the children's needs are met, and the family needs are met, but where are mine?

Selfish, isn't it? Can I complain? I have already; not to anyone but God and not complaining to God but really at myself. I cannot be satisfied...why? Doesn't His cross supply me with everything I  need? I have eternal salvation, an eternal inheritance, surely that is enough, right? Then, what's the problem? Maybe it's because like Adam I still realize that while I am working and (attempting to) being productive  I am missing out on something great. The gift of having a helper. Granted, my current situation probably won't allow for that, to a degree. I am here to support my family, this was the intended goal. Still, the need is there and it's not met with being around them, even though I love them and am I glad to be here spending time with them. The thing is, like I shared with my mother earlier tonight, that I need to be with a group of my peers, like I was at WBC. More importantly, I need to be around my peers because it's only within a group that I may be able to find a helper suitable for me; while I am to "find a wife" it providentially and sovereignly comes from the Lord (a godly wife is only given by the Lord, as she is hard to find, which explains why I can't seem to be find one). This is no way claiming that the gals I had an opportunity with were not godly, but they didn't become my wife. So the thing is....then, maybe I'm desiring more than what I can find; or maybe, it takes a very special woman to be with me. At this point, if a woman wanted to really be with my (wanted to be my wife) I would be more than happy to consider the possibility even despite my own boundaries and some of values (limited) to allow that. But in the end, it still has to be God's call. More of some of my dear friends are married or are getting married and as time passes I wonder why they were so successful (despite their paths in which they took to achieve this) and why I continued to fail. Is my approach wrong? Do I "cling" too quickly or jump off too much as a romancer? Am I jst really a nice guy and that's about all that is really comfortable to deal with? I have showered a woman with love more that I could express and yet it seems as though it's not enough; maybe, then in essence, it's not me, but maybe it's the just the myth that all women want is to be loved.  But yet, just assuming, for instance, I that I can give them that and even and even, would many accept that and be comfortable with it? At this point, no. So, I have then assume that it's not just love most women want; and that's just the wa it is. So, then, what about me? Maybe it's not the fact that I want love, but I am looking to giving it away. I want to shower a woman in complete, romantic, passionate love through my life, my poetry, my novels, m videogames (you'll be surprised how), my journeys and adventures through life. I want don't want to her to go a day without letting her know that I love her. If I go too far, then it's probably for that reason because it's so long since I'm waiting that myself, that's what I'm expecting in return. And maybe that's way it hasn't work. I"m not looking for a perfect woman. I'm looking for something much more special:

"the most perfect imperfect woman."

That is, just as messed us as me, just as much as a sinner turned saint as me, just as much as in need of God as me, and just as much as a mental case (metaphorically speaking) as me. I want the woman that will be able to trust God ahead of my leadership in conjunction with my poor leadership. Hard times is what the theme is for my life; it's not easy; it will never be easy. So there it is: my life will always be hard, difficult, and it will be a tiring, frustrating journey. I don't know what easy is and my life will get further complicated. I am a complicated guy; just the way it is. Maybe many women are looking for the simple men; well, I'm not one of them. Sorry. I will change as much as I surrender and give to God for the sake of the kingdom and for the sake of being changed into a better person; that I can guarantee. That means in attitude, passion, approach, open-minded, not puffed up, willing to always learn and things like that. What I don't mean, though, is that I will change who I am, in terms of identity. I must change my attitude (who wants to be around a mean or bitter person, not that I am, but just as example) and even the way I communicate and get along with others and even learn things that frustrate me. It's all for Christ ultimately. But who I am, what makes me Reggie, those things I cannot change; my personality and some of my mannerisms (some may need changing just for the benefit of the doubt) and the history of my family and my medical history and personal history. I can't change who my family is and the people that I call relatives; I gotta live with in my blood, but the blood of Christ is superior. So, in the end, what woman would and could want a guy like me?.......Exactly. If I could answer that, then this entry wouldn't be necessary. Until then, I go with as much faith as I have that is sometimes up and down in this department. Maybe it will change, maybe it wont'. I just know that I as long as God continues to rule, I have no choice but to wait; I do it with my teeth cliched, eyes watery, and groaning because it hurts; in the time God has appointed, it will happen. And if it doesn't, then I guess that's it. I will have to suffer for the rest of my life never really experience the true union Adam had with Eve just for several moments before the fall; I won't get to experience the hardships of what many go through nowadays both with tons of joy and tons of stress, stress that's worth another 10, 20, and 30 years. Such then, is my life, the life of a suffered slave, the lasting theme of many heroes that just suffer because it's who they are.

To be honest, not alot of exciting things have been happening lately.

Since the last entry, I've had only one job interview and turned in more than several dozen apps to various locations for work. I have also applied for unemployment benefits in hopes that that will allow funds to be received so I can start supporting my family as well as knock out some bills on my end. While I have the card, not anything has been added yet and it could be some time until it does. In the meantime, I sit here at this computer everyday babysitting my little sister who can tend to strike each nerve as it comes. In the process I try to teach her through example  about how crude the world is and the things she needs to learn in order to become independent and better equipped at being able to learn other things. Granted, it feels like I've become a mean guy, and in a scary sense, just like my departed father. Haven't wanted to admit that, but I'm afraid it's true. Maybe this is indirectly taking on a whole new level of coping or maybe it's just that now that certain barriers are gone I'm seeing my tough side much more now. It only seems to occur when I'm working with kids; maybe that's a good thing.

Considering the fact that I had learn many lessons as a child I learned to do things on my own; compared to now, my little sister doesn't really know what it's like being without this or that or having very little things. She doesn't know what it means to look forward to something just to have it blown away in the end at the last moment. She thinks that it's important to have her way and to make sure everyone does something for you. The word no is something she doesn't like; she has been spoiled. Not by me, but by our father. That is the work I am essentially up against and am trying to undo (in a sense) because this world will not be kind to her nor will it be happy for her. My "meanness" is out of the genuine concern for her life, just as it was for those kids that I worked with just months past. I've tasted that world and my little sister is going to grow up in it. I will not let her off easily and will be as firm and hard as I need to, backing off at times when I know I'm being too rough on her. It is for her sake that I do these things, however, because no one else (aside from our family) will do the same. The school system here in Charlotte is rather challenging and with her special condition it makes it harder for her to learn. We are trying to get her to learn on the level she really needs to be on or she will be left behind. Nevertheless, I am essentially trying to teach her to be a child, not act like an adult-teenager; she expects everything but yet doesn't have any particular goals to shoot for (in a sense). I know what she wants to be when she grows up (she's told us) but the reality is that if she doesn't get it together she won't be making space anytime soon.

Even so, though, this is the basic world I live in until I find work or until school starts up again. It will in a couple weeks, however, so that much is good. The question is once everyone is back in the regular mold of work and school, what am I going to do? The same thing perhaps; aside from online school I only have the whims of home to keep me busy. The most difficult struggle for a man is not being able to really work for the sake of his survival; God has built us (men) to work and be able to sweat for the work we do. If a man cannot work (outside the home) he goes absolutely berserk and tries to work on and in anything that gives him the time to do so. Work is essential to our being, our identity, and to our needs. I need to care for my family, although that main responsibility lies with my mother. I and my brother are essentially our own tenants living under her roof, but nevertheless, all is still family. Working also gives the man something productive and exciting (at times) to do and help strengthen what he has. It's hard to really be satisfied about life if I cannot work and enjoy the fruit of my hands. Granted however, the work that I can enjoy now is continuing to seek work with prayer and God's Sovereignty as I also enjoy the blessings that God has sustained me with until provision comes from the job I will receive. Just a matter of how long it will be I guess...

But as I said, this is the everyday life I have right now. Nothing too terribly exciting has happened, as least so far. I mean, the one exciting thing I discovered just the other day is that someone has a crush on me, but I don't know who it is. I do know that it is so rare that a woman would have a crush on me; I know I rave about my handsome looks, but really, it's just a play. I'm very low in confident that a woman could even find me attractive; I guess it's just me suffering rejection after all these years and continuing failure to even attract women in places where I go. Nevertheless, just having a crush gives me a bit of confidence. Granted I don't know who she is, but I have some distant possibilities. Still, though, she chooses to remain in secret so I'm not going to worry about finding out who. It's not always important to seek the answers to life's mysteries but rather to enjoy them as the mystery itself is a blessing to enjoy. With that said, I do thank you for coming out and sharing what you had to say. I know I had crushes here and there and it was only once that I ventured out to share it to the person I had a crush on. I know in the past I wanted too long and nothing went well after that, at least for me. So, I can mask in knowing that someone out there really likes me. That, I'm thankful for. Even if she never chooses to reveal herself, I can rest in knowing that at least I know before it's too late. lol

But yeah, anyway...time to go back into the shadows. AT this point, this is all I have right now until the light comes on and gives me sunshine to light up the opportunity I am seeking in order to make a living. Even though I'm only two months into my transition to Kansas, it's still a long way to go; I wish I were there sooner....

It's now the middle of summer. My family and I have made it passed some rough days, especially on Father's Day. We have only two days left that we must face to help shake us out of the reality that our dear father is heaven with the Lord, at least his soul. The rest of him sits above the living room display on top of the entertainment center frame sit with porcelain dolls and other stuff; the silver urn hasn't lost it's shine since his ashes have been in there. Meanwhile, we sit each day moving along in our lives trying to clean up what he left behind: tons of debt and a huge house filled with many unnecessary things. We are looking at things from different perspectives including the overall determination of whether or not he ultimately took us on a path full of financial hindrances. Most of all, just exactly what kind of guy was he?

These questions peaked my heart several times, especially since I've had time to speak with my mom about our family. Medical histories, memories of past, and even the challenges of the future all help to shape the way I think about the upcoming trials and obstacles that will push us, as a family, into a new direction into the next year. Mom is facing new challenges with meeting new people and eventually paving the way to date again once her pain is fully healed from the lost of her husband. My little brother has faced many unfortunate hardships financially so earlier than I that now leaves him at the mercy of those who live only to collect. Mia has felt the crunching of limits because no one here gives her everything she wants. She hasn't quite learned that her being a kid is simply a gift and that should be cherished; she doesn't need everything and needs to realize that everything won't be given to her but it must be earned. Her lessons are vigorously awaiting her now that Dad isn't her to open up the hands of want and give her access to anything he can do to make her happy. Her brothers, myself and lil P, are being hard on her on purpose because she's had all these years to be pampered like a baby. It's time for her to grow up; the parental connection I have with her, largely from when I was caring for her since she was just a babe, conflicts with trying to be like dad, but I know I can't. Mean indeed, she says, but at least I set limits. If she doesn't learn now, then she will not be a wise young lady. I don't want her to be naive and foolish when her teen years hit. But even I can only do what I can.

As for me....I"m doing okay. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Emotionally and mentally, I am focused and fixed on my transition to Kansas. Nothing has succeeded in swaying me from this goal, except the fact that finding work here is very difficult, but not impossible. Also, I am being more aware of myself and find that I am setting the bar higher in certain areas in my life, including the area of relationships. You could say that I'm establishing my identity through the demonstration of the goals I have set. I have an intended goal that I plan on reaching; not much can be said about this. God continues to be kind to me, but I'm not sure I'm being kind to God, for a number of reasons. Spiritually, it just seems like I'm not quite where I should be and the taste and zeal to jump and feed into the Word of God is less than was some months ago. Despite bad sermons and poor preaching, the knowledge God gave me still continues to prove itself a gift. Glad He hasn't taken it away; what God intends for me to use, He will let me keep.

These days, here in Charlotte, days seem to be peaceful but still restless...

Circumstances are changing around me; my mom's boss had a stroke but is slowly recovering and my brother's work has been more overbearing with more hours and less people. Mia has had her own struggle with her friends and seems to be more wild and somewhat out of control than before. I have had my life activity reduced to helping out at home and being the responsible driver to get everyone where they need to go. But yet, among the things we all share and enjoy, things seem to be very peaceful. My brother and I, were are in our twenties and we're at the age where we ought to have social lives and "special interests" at least. But yet, our devotion and goals are the same: we are seeking financial freedom from debt in order to take on the task of being able to finally get the things we desire to help enjoy our lives to the fullest. For me, that would include God's provision for a wife and the blessing to be used greatly in ministry, however He sees fit. For my brother, it may mean financial freedom from my father's errors and the power to help him find what he really wants to do successfully despite his special condition. Mom continues to hope that him and I would marry at some point and time; I hope she's right. But nevertheless, things here remain peaceful. They will not be this way for long. Summer is slowly drifting and I'm sure by the time fall comes my life should be more interesting and exciting. But, I don't think my life is boring, but rather inactive and needing more excitement and purpose. That's why one particular goal is to find ministry opportunities at a local church so I can begin growing again. Time to be productive in my Christian life and use all these theology and Bible college education my professors, pastor, and friends have equipped me with to make a difference in this world for Christ Himself. I realize that out of many of my friends, my self-esteem is rather high. I don't know why that is, but it is relatively low when I think of a woman's interest in me. It seems backwards, but I am still honest about what I really can offer her without stating the obvious.

Still....maybe this is the calm before the storm. What storm? Whatever next storm that God has set to usher us into the next phase of His plan. Whatever may happen, whomever may come, we will enjoy these days as best we can. For me, I will continue to challenge myself to be more active in using the training and gifts God has equipped me to be a leader in the church, as I realize that this is the goal He has set for every man in His kingdom. It is my duty to lead, to teach, to live by example. I still have so far to go....will anyone, follow me, when the time comes? Rather, will they follow me as I follow Christ?

Today is filled with a celebration; rather, celebrations. Today was my brother's birthday; God has graced him with life for 22 years, just after five of my own. He's been a very dear asset and valuable piece to my life, especially in my earlier years. Granted, I developed an Esau attitude when it came to him in those years but turned out that we have developed a strong relationship over the years that many people think we are twins. I always laugh at that and am at a loss to how people can think that so much. Still, though, today was suppose to be a good day for him. We both realized, however, that today somebody we both grew up enjoying and imitated (at least I did) died today. We were filled with the news that Michael Jackson died today; how terribly tragic in some many ways, but even more so it's been very real to us because we had a terrible loss ourselves just three months ago (til the day just about). I can't imagine what the family is feeling, in terms of fans and how they feel, but I know what the family feels on the inside because they lost someone close to them.  So did we....

Just some time ago, our dad passed away losing his battle to pancreatic cancer. It came as a sudden shock, as just one week to his diagnosis (and death) he was just normal. And now all we have of him remains in our hearts, pictures, the favorite things he loved to do that we remember, and inside the urn we keep safe high above the self in the living room. Before then, I couldn't imagine how death gripped a feeling into feeling terrible and being filled with grief. Grief overcame me for a long while and it drove me insane. I wasn't myself and I didn't know one emotion to the next; for the firs time, death had come into my family and snatched someone I loved away. More than ever, though, this was a man who wasn't my biological father, but he was my father; he took care of me and reared me and served as a master-disciplinarian as well as a father who really pursued his own agenda and ruled his house mercilessly. While there were several things I couldn't stand about him, he was still a man that I really loved and will miss greatly. To tell you the truth, this death of MJ brings back a bit those times were I had my MJ tape in the cassette player in the car and rode all the way home with Billie Jean and Bad and Thriller blasting through the speakers. Fun times, indeed.....and yet, on my brother's birthday, it is a bittersweet ending to the day as I take time out to honor my little brother (we went to see Transformers 2 earlier) and then on the same token, to honor a great man in terms of music and the revolution he brought with him. I was really sadden by the news as I heard it on the way to the theater this evening, but yet being th hopeful, optismic person I am, I was hoping he'd pull through. It was a short time after arriving at the theatre that he had passed away.  Such a terrible tragedy, this unforeseen thriller....

To tell you the truth, June hasn't been a "power" month I hoped it would be. Just on my birthday I was nearly arrested and thrown out of the park because the two students from the school I was working at decided to to act like that they didn't know me when they refused to follow instructions at Six Flags. I was totally pissed, aggrivated, and at the edge of my rope...with the kids on the other end of it!!!! Nevertheless, I picked up the pieces of what was left of the evening and mangaed go find something good about that day. Afterall, it was suppose to be my birthday.....it was suppose to be a good day. And now...on my brother's birthday, he too, experiences something quite not as profound as I had but still enough to be like "man, why did this have to happen on my birthday". I sympathize with him because both our days have been filled with some terrible events. But....things were far worse for us way back on March 24; that will be a day we will never forget.  So, as my mother mentioned earlier, just what is going on?

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how much more of death I can take the rest of this year. While there are still several months to come, I wonder if any month on the way is filled with some wonderful things to help balance out all of this death. Granted, I must accept all that happens as God sits on the throne and rules mysteriously in conjunction as well as independently from Heaven making sure that all things travel to their appointed ends, as He created everything for a purpose, including the wicked for the day of evil. I have had a talk with my mom about my life (just sometime ago) and I often wonder where I am headed. Just what is my lifestyle right now and how will that impact the rest of my time here? I hate bad news, especially if it involves someone I really like or am close to or familiar with. Granted, so many great things happened today and that can easily be lost if I dwelled on the bad so much. But I take Solomon's words to heart and try to really count my darks days so that I hopefully when the great days of light come I will savor them immensely. Maybe, just maybe my latter years will be filled with a double portion of "relief" from the severe derailments of suffering and lost and grief. And yet, this is only the start of many things that I could list to examine this year to say that this whole year was filled with some many terrors.  I dont want to though.... I just want to trust that God knows what He is up to and Has a purpose, a reason, a point to what He is accomplishing. I will remember these times greatly as I realize that death is just part of the sin of Adam, something that we had inherited and doesn't go away when you're a believer, but at least you have eternal life. It's just human nature I guess....and on that note, I remember him with that song! MJ....thanks for everything; Dad, thanks for everything. Please, Lord, if You give me breath tomorrow, let me be thankful that You chose me to live another day, just for You, to share You, to Glorify You, and to let someone else know You and Your Son Jesus Christ. My hope is that Michael Jackson knew You too...if he didn't, then I"m sorry. The real thriller would be him or anyone else dying without the blood of Jesus Christ protecting them from eternal wrath....if this is you, the reader, please don't hesitate another minute without trusting in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness and cleanliness of sin...read John 3:16, Romans 1-3, 6, 8, and Revelation 22 online or in a Bible before you head to bed. God bless and good night....

Well, I'm 27 now. That means I'm only 3 years away from turning 30 years old. It begs the question, what have I done this early in life to prepare for the next phase of life? The answer: absolutely nothing.

Flash back to my first year of college in 2001; I was eager, excited, and anticipating alot because I was hoping my schooling would let me further into ministry. I was sooo looking forward to really diving into that world and taking the churches by storm, promoting the ministry I had back then as well as to change the world. I was so hoping to have fun at college, to be fully accepted as an individual and an equal, unlike High School were being different just simply meant people looked at you funny and just tried to ridicule you for being "holier-than-thou." I was hoping to find a place among the hard working and brave. Boy...was I wrong!

My first year of college was a disaster. It was worse than high school; being different and fighting for the cause of righteousness was not on the minds and hearts of the young at Claflin University. Supposedly being affliated with the United Methodist Church (my denomination back then), I expected more spiritual values and devotion to the works of ministry as well as to other fields. Not to mention that the job I had back then allowed me to call a huge roster of names to invite them for Bible study and fellowship weekly; less than an percent showed up all year (out about 350 names from both Claflin and South Carolina State).  Furthermore, my first week of college was pure Hell; being challenged by some who question my understand when it came to the Holy Spirit's prompting me to share the truth of the Lord at a talent show; I gave a small parable to the audience. Talk about those who simply didn't believe God and branded me for being a liar when they tried to interpret my move as not being from God (not like they knew anyway). But still, I was left alone in a cruel world that didn't care about anyone. That school, that place, didn't value God on any level. It was all politics, all for good show. It was completely like being in Sodom and Gomorrah, only in a lesser degree (the serious of the crimes of both of those places cannot be overlooked or downplayed). I even fell in with the wrong crowd spiritually when I got into Pentecostalism, more apostilic in a sense. Still, that didn't last (thankfully) as God managed to pull me away from that thing but I was still influenced by it indirectly; unfortunately, a friend of mine was also deceived but trying to convince her now of the errors then isn't quite so cut and dry. As time went on, though, I met others who were really for Christ and together we stood against those who were not for us. Getting by, we each went our separate ways and since then I've realized what was lacking in my life. Fast forward to my first year of WBC.

Washington Bible College was the place I perceived what Claflin was going to be: a place of spiritual warriors studying and training for battle and to change the world. The theme of WBC was "equipping you to be a world changers". That theme changed into equipping leaders to change the world and then to "teach, study...by the book." All these things were the things I had in mind when I first went there. It was heaven, at least for me. People were friendly, they were polite, they would trustworthy (most of them) and they were genuine. WBC was a serious place of spiritual training and become more than just a college for me. It became my new home, my place of belonging, my place of spiritual realization, especially when I met my Bible/theology professor who totally shook up my world and brought on reform, almost literally. There were many other great professors who influenced my life and showed me the ways of the Book, much better than what my denomination taught me (at that time). Eventually, though, through reform, I departed the United Methodist Church forever, never to return, especially after God showed me the truth in so many ways, primarily through the accurate understanding of Scripture. But that was just the beginning. Despite the other details of my life at that time, WBC was the biggest influence in my life and shaped the course of my decisions through the years to come. Because I couldn't continue, I left with the determination to return once again and finish. Well, I did return eventually, but I didn't remain. That was in 2003 and I returned  just 4 years later, only to stop once again. This time, however, I will not be returning. It's time to move on. As I look back on that time, I realized that I was lacking something as well. Through job hunting for the next 2 years, to my first initial moving to Kansas, to my second return to Charlotte, to the return of WBC, to my leaving WBC again, to my third and final move to Charlotte (soon), I have learned that I lacked what I needed to really make college a firm and solid foundation for my life. The "a-ha" didn't hit me until was talking to one who would later be one of my previous church's elder.

The premise of those conversations was how ready I was for life. Granted, while I listened and captured the important points of the conversation, the main jist is that I knew that whatever I decided I had to live with the consequences and results of what I chose. What is good for one person is great, but we all must make our own decisions, based off of wisdom. That was not to be ignored and foolishly, some of what I did ignore I have tasted in the months following those meetings. The biggest thing was to decide to do with that advice and I finally did. I decided to start breaking ground on the foundation of my life, but to do that I needed resources. That was one reason I decided to remain here in the DC area so that I would eventually gather resources enough to start breaking ground for my life. Unfortunately, things didn't go the way I had hoped (maybe that's fortunate and not unfortunate). After making that choice to move to Hillsboro, Kansas, I had prayed whether or not God was leading me there. Since then, my former church has split, a friend of mine that I started Bible Colege with went home to the Lord, I lost a meaningful relationship, and to top it all off, my father passed away. Truly, I don't think the answer was any more oblivous to me. Hillsboro was truly on the grid; nothing here remained for me but work, work that would last only for a little while. So, the decision to move to Charlotte is two fold, as I shared in my last entry. That transition has been moved from immediate to 3 years, enough time for me to really break ground. I keep the elder's words close to my heart as well as other things as I begin closing my life here in DC and reopen it up in Charlotte; I intend on picking up where I left off in Charlotte. Once closer happens there, it will be off to the place where I almost set up shop: Hillsboro. Many people are puzzled to what prompted me to move there as the place where I will "pitch my tent" and hopefully raise a family. But as I ready to move their sometime from now, I am going to focus on what was lacking in my life for quite a long time, since my first year of college. Discipline, sincere passion, and determination/motivation.

I wasn't a disciplined student my first year of college. This has led to my unfortunate unhealthy habit of procrastination and doing things just to get by. It has led to some other unhealthy and dangerous habits that have been very severe in the past, but no so much now (thankfully). Still, however, lingering affects and reforming my lifestyle is a constant battle. Despite my understanding of Scripture, I am still trying to push myself to do the right thing during the day when it comes to time management and having some extra time to use wisely. But ever since my first year of college, I have undergone this phase of "searching for my destiny" both in Christ and in a practical sense. It wasn't until recently that I finally found it, thanks to God Himself. Something I should have done before was to focus on the gifts and areas that He has given me passion for. That has led me to focus on the true intent and 'a-ha' points when it comes to my career. Sure, I tried many things, worked many jobs: a fileclerk, a waiter, a fast-food worker, office assistent, janitor, tutor, paraprofessional, retail store agent/team member, medical file technician, a contractor. However, only one particular job gave me a drive, a passion, but all else just simply became "something I had to do". On an essential sense, I have found my natural calling. For some reason, however, I continue to struggle with my spiritual calling. Trying to understand what a call is and how God calls someone is still confusing to me, but I have concluded that since God made men the leaders of the home it is our responsibility to lead in the church. Thus, I still recognize that God has placed me an a role to lead in the church, but my role is still yet to be determined. However, I do believe, like my natural calling, it will place in a field of education within the church. Maybe just being a Sunday school teacher will be my role; to be honest, it may be more. That day that the desire to be in leadership, the path of eldership, burned in my heart like fire. I cannot ignore it, but maybe in a way, I have turned from seeking that exact office simply because it's tons of work and responsibility. I'm not ready for such a path yet, but any plan of the Lord cannot be thwarted. If it is God's plan for me to pastor a church oneday, then it will happen in His time and I'll be ready. After all, as a professor taught me in class oneday (in looking at the years John the Baptist and Jesus prepped for their ministry) all this training is for something. All the years of being on my own just to learn my follies and to acquire wisdom through failures and sufferings in life just to prepare me to lead a group of people to confront the unknown evils of the future could simply just small and short. The same with my desire to marry and have a family; I"m not suppose to have a nice long solid marriage starting my twenties. Maybe my marriage life will define the latter of my days and I'll spend the final days resting from all the heavy burdens and instead be filled with many delights enjoying my wife double measured compared to all the years of suffering and exhaustion. Or maybe they will continue and my married life will be filled with a constant renewel of faith as sufferings get worse and the road gets tougher. Maybe I"m just going to have one child instead of two or three;maybe I will have none. Maybe I won't have a wife....maybe I will be alone (humanly speaking) and spend the days soaking up the scrolls with my life story and adventures as I leave behind the words of many years and lessons for those that will come in my place oneday. Regardless of the future and the outcome, God is working all things for good to those who love Him. This is why my 27th year will be different from the others...it is the first year that I finally walk a solid and determined path that has an end and a means to get there.
 In other words, my years of searching for the land in which to settle in, the career purpose in mind, and  the drive to overcome and fuel the feet have come.  I know who I am, what I am, and where I want to do this work.

Kansas is the place, it's my home, earthlywise. I have decided to pitch my tent there. I am an educator, a teacher, a mentor. I am a writer, a story teller. I have been told through the promptings of the Holy Spirit to write things down. Why? Because writing is the instructment, the tool, by which God will use me to share the sufferings of His Son and the wisdom of God  to a world full of dying (drowning) sinners who don't have a fish to scoop them up from the pit of death in the raging waters. I don't know the true value of my writings, but I do know that God has His purpose behind them. I don't know how they will change people, change the world. I'm not even sure what He will use me to do, once "that time" comes, but looking at my predescestors it will be great. As my pastor told me this morning, "God has something wonderful in store for me" where I am going, so we'll see how He furthers the plans for my life to fulfill His will. Nevertheless, this will be a year so different, unlike the years I've been through. I'm in transition, for one, and two, I am becoming more self aware of my purpose in life. I am finally using my singleness to bring about the important changes needed for me to better lead in all relationship types, especially romantic ones. My contra-dancing becomes important in this endeavor, as it teaches me the importance of the role I must play in dancing and is the premise for my leading in all my roles of life as well as how important it is to be steady and straight in my leadership or people will follow me in my folly just as much as I am leading them into it. As a teacher, I must know what I am talking about and always be the student first, so that I can display what a teacher looks like: just a student who has more to show others in what they should do. As a prayer warrior, my sufferings and cries are the true power I wield to move mountains, to change the natural order of life, and call for God to demonstrate His power in my life and those around me so that people see that miracles still happen. I am, have been, am being equipped to be a world changer. Christians are world changers; we are here to change the world, the natural order of things, for Christ our Lord and God.

I have three more years in which I plan on being in Kansas. I am only planning on two in Charlotte, starting next Sunday. I don't know anything that will happen in my life between now and the upcoming 28th year, but I know that there are some goals I have set for myself that I am working for my new year. I have tons of reading to catch up on, online school to begin for the first time ever, and I have a family to look after. I know it is the eldest brother responsibility (in ancient times) to care for his family when the father passes away; well, my eldest brother cannot fulfill this role, so I do believe it is my responsibility to do this. I don't have to, but I want to. Because I want to ensure that the rest of my family is able to continue their lives even when I'm gone, because I don't want them to miss out in whatever God has in store for them. My mom is my treasure and my best friend and without her I would be a shabby and disgraceful son; I have shamed her so much in my teenage years, but I want her to be full of joy in these upcoming years, especially when it comes to her wanting the joy of having grandchildren. My desire to be married has greatly increased over the years and even moreso, has become the result of my breaking ground; in other words, at the end of this transition, I will be ready to raise some children. Getting settled in Kansas is the first of this and the second will be to find a wife and begin a family. While I"ll be late in the game (compared to many my age so far that I know of) God's timing will be for a reason. Granted, I have another reason for wanting to be married so badly and biblically, that's a good reason and it shouldn't be shunned so much because it is justifed in Scripture (to state the obvious, it has something to do with sex).  The sooner, the better, and of course, that's not everything. I want a lasting meaningful, committed, hard-working, devoted relationship with a woman of God. If she's willing to follow me, my leadership, to support me and trust me, and to never stop praying for me and always lift me up before the Lord, then I will be her prince, laying my life down daily, to love her and nurture her in every way. And I don't mean that I just will just love her but I will show it dangerously! I will not leave my display of love for her casually; the world will know that I love her. If I have to strike a whole city down just to love her, then that's what I will do because just as Christ died for His bride and shook up the world just to pursue her, I will do the same for my bride, whoever she reveals herself to be, through God's sovereignty. For her, it just takes a yes and a willingness to know that life with me will be complicated and not so easy, hard and rough, not picket-fence sun shiny and happily ever after. It will be a journey, a fight, a war, Mortal Kombat, an adventure through Star Ocean, a biohazard in Silent Hill. It will not be filled with riches or diamonds, but sweat, blood, and cracked hands and soar feet. To be with me, is to be with a warrior, the hero, the weak one, the meek one. To be with me, will cost everything. I am willing to give everything and pay that price for a woman who will not only be the one but chooses to be the one simply because she wants to be. There's no turning back, once she does. The woman I want will help me turn the world upside down in the power of Jesus name.

So, therefore, I guess this is the beginning of my life. Turning 27 actually feels different, unlike turning 26. Goals are in place, the path at hand is set, and I have the prayers and blessings of many that have helped me along the way. This theme, my theme for my 27th year, is still being decided, but I will say that I never would have made it this far without any of you (you all know who you are). I will be leaving this area soon, only to return to visit family and even spiritual family. I am taking both memories and pictures with me to include in my story, that is still being written. What the end will be, I don't know, but I know this one thing: To God be the glory!!!  What has been written, is to be learned from, and what is yet to be written, is yet to be decided. I face, for the first time, with certainty, with clarity, and with a plan. This time...no more dwelling on the past, but the focus is on the future, for today. Run with me, stand with me, be with me. Time to start fulling destiny....

It's been a bit over a month or so now since I blogged; sorry for slacking off. But, I've made the stance to update everyone on my situation today since I will be heading out soon. Plus, I wanted everyone to be on the same page.

Honestly, things have been pretty good since my last since month. Since then, I've had time to plan out the events and courses of events for this summer. Most importantly, I have had time to plan out my transition to Kansas. I have decided to make my transition from an immediate summer move to a 3-year transition. That is, I am planning on moving to Kansas within the next three years. Why 3? Because I figured by the time I turn 30 it will be nice to have a fresh beginning to the next milestone of life. I"m almost done with my twenties and compared to many I haven't accomplished a whole or have had the success of establishing many things in my life right now. But, I can't really compare  my life to others as the measure of living is to suppose to be compared to God's standards. But I mostly do that in a practical sense; I was hoping to accomplish alot in my life by my midtwenties, but sadly there are things that have prevented me or delayed me in having some things. In a big sense, God is sovereign so much of it is out of my control. The good news though is that at least I've come to grips about certain things like finding a solid career path, in sa secular sense. I don't mean to separate the spiritual from the secular, but there's a reason I do that.  But, anyway, I've finally know what I want to do in life and where I want to be. At least those things have been settled in my heart and that's taken me years. And it all has come down to this: I want to be in Kansas. Not only that, but I to teach college; I want to teach the Bible. I want to teach Bible college. Not only that, but I want to work as a one-on-one mentor. I want to work as a paraprofessional in special education. Why Kansas? I love it there; that's where my heart is. I have other reasons, but I've blogged about that before last year so I won't go into it. However, as many people know, I was intending on moving to Kanas this summer. That has now changed. Like I said before, I've divided my transition to Kansas into three phases over the span of the next three years.  And so, here's the plan that I've graciously shared with several people already.

Over the next three years (beginning on June 21st, sometime after my 27th birthday this year) my transition to Kansas will begin. The transition will be in three phases: phase one - moving stage, phase two -- the establishment phase, and phase three -- the settlement phase. I was going to initiate a fourth phase, but three do justice I suppose. Although this is a huge and set plan that I have, any and all of this is pending on what God wants to do in my life; what I have is what I"ve thought about and are the major points of the transition; think of them as "goals" to accomplish while I'm on my way to Kansas; more specifically, Hillsboro. The whole purpose of this is to allow me time in preparing resources for my life in KS (i.e. a car, savings for school, etc.) so that I can start with the most advantage there instead of just jumping ship like I did so many times before. This is to help and guide me in that goal so that when I eventually get there I won't have to struggle as much as I am now. It's to help prepare, build, and set a foundation for the next phase of my life, whatever that may be. After I "build" my house, then my education will follow; and what I mean by building my house is simply my way of saying when I'm financially and resourcefully stable I will resume my education to the fullest degree, of whatever I can do at that time. I have my sights built on Baptist Bible College in Springfield, MO, Lordwilling. Other education is and may be considered apart from my ministry training and education (i.e. certification and/or degree in Special Education) but on a general note my education will be put on hold until my student loan is paid off completely.  So, what are these phases?

Phase One, The Moving Phase, is roughly 1-2 years. The longest of the three phases, this part of the transiton is merely a financial regrouping of what I wasn't able to do while I remained here in DC. This phase involves me moving (hence the name moving phase) in a better location for the purpose of working and saving up money to help knock out my student loan. Think of this phase more as a financial phase. The reason why I am moving to Charlotte, as to oppose to remain here in DC, is really because I need to reboot and reset myself emotionally. I have decided that since a place has been made available in my mom's house, I will take advantage of that and return home. As a family, I think it's important for me and the rest of the clan to be together and through the remaining periods of this year (Father's Day; July 29th) that would normally be considered as milestones. Although we have grieved and moved on, just remnants of what was lost to us still remains in those days that remind us of Dad. Being together with the family gives me peace and helps me focus on the good I have right now rather than what I don't have. Plus, moving to Charlotte provides me a opportunity to save up more in that area, since the cost of living is relatively cheaper than here. While an apartment is rather cheaper there, living in my mom's house allows me to pay much less than what I normally would and gives me more freedom to save up the max for payment plans in repaying back my student loan. Plus, with the right job, I will be able to knock out the heaviest amount of the student loan as much and as quickly as possible. The reason why I foresee this as the longest phase because this will take at least one year and maybe more, but no more than two years. Once I have paid off my student loan, the second part of this phase involves me saving up some money (estimate still being decided) to move to Hillsboro. I already have an idea of how much I need, which will include cost for a car, an apartment (efficiency or 1 bedroom), and a "lifeline" on reserve to use as my "seed money" to begin in Kansas. If things go as planned, Lord-willing, then this phase will be complete if not by next June 2010, then it will most likely be completed in fully by 2011. The goal, again, is to be established in Hillsboro by 2012 (three years from now). With that, I move on to phase two. This goal will be complete when I have successfully found an apartment and a car in Hillsboro as well as a job either in Hillsboro or in the neighboring cities (Hutchinson, Mcpherson, Newton, Wichita). Once I have saved up enough, the plan is to travel to Hillsboro for a week and secure an apartment, a car, a job. Once that done, this phase will be complete and the establishment phase begins.

Phase two, the Establishment Phase, picks up where the moving phase left off. Phase two (or in year two of the transition) starts once I have begun work in Kansas. The goal is to essentially "get established" in building my foundation. This phase includes making a financial projection of what I need to start investing in a house, for school, and basic living expenses.  I would imagine for the first two months, I will finally get a handle on how much it takes me to live. Plus, I would assume that my savings account (set up in phase one) will be the key in this factor in saving up for a house and secondary education. This gives me an opportunity to get settled in my job or find an efficient job (if the one I have at this time isn't working financially). Actually (looking at my notes here), the establishment phase deals me at acquiring a one bedroom apartment to begin with first, and then moving into a two-bedroom house later. So, apartment for the first year, a house for the second year. The plan is to rent the house in the long run and I will pursue the rent-to-buy option much later, but not right away. The idea: to get established in a house longterm and continue to save up money so that when I am ready to buy a house then I can do that. This is flexible so I'm not looking to buy a house until at least five years from now (depending on how my finances look by then). This will also allow me to start saving up money to attend school in the future (via the campus) as I continue my online education sometime after the first year of living in Kansas. This phase shouldn't take too long, as it's just essentially getting settled in  in my new place and just getting a handle on my living situation in Kansas. That in turn, by the time I am 29, should be ready to finally settle down. By that, that means I will be ready (hopefully) to start my new life for the permanent life in Ozland.

The final phase, the Settlement Phase, is just that. That includes me being actively involved in a church as a member (if I haven't already) as well as engaging in those things that I really love like contra-dancing, biking, and whatever else I enjoy. Having a solid career with a great income and a decent home, it makes it homely and welcome for acquiring a mate. My life will be filled with an active spiritual life and a productive one, perhaps teaching at church or engaged in a college ministry of some sort, and working full-time as a para (I hope) for the local or nearby school district. The other side is being able to manage all of this without struggling (much) and being very productive in my life; that's the whole point of being settled in a place. By the time I am 30, I am hoping to have a much better handle in all areas of my life, especially financially, so that I can continue to serve God and enjoy His blessings while I wait (while and by searching) for Him to bring me a spouse. To put it simpler, I look to being fully established and settled in Hillsboro as an official Kansan. That's when I wilil also make the call to exam other areas of interest like additional schooling as well as Baptst Bible College. While I'm actually putting off my education (as a campus, Part-time student) in the longer run is because I want to attempt to buy and own a house before I venture way out into Missouri for school; it's the idea where if I owned my own place then I won't have to worry about not having a place to live once I'm done with school. That will also include renting the property once I'm done paying it off and am close to moving to Springfield, MO just for the remainder of school. However, again, the plan for school is extremely ambiguous as I may decide just to do the online thing from henceforth and spending the last semeseter on campus. It's not until I Grad school that will consider moving temporarily to breeze straight through it without stopping. But by that time, anything couldn't happen. Nevertheless, my transition to Kansas will be complete once I'm settled in my new permanent place and have an established career.

So, that's the plan, on a general note. Just because I"ve planned it out this way doesn't mean it will actually go this way. I can't be that foolish; this, all of this, is just a plan. That's all it's meant to be. I know God enough to know that He is in full control of all that I"ve planned. The Bible tells us that a man plans his way, the Lord determines the outcome. No matter what I plan for my life, God will guide me according to His ordained plan. He will align my life and plans according to His will for my life. That means if something happens sooner or later, then it is by the hand and will of God. That means that if He decides that phase one is to never be completed, then so be it. If He decides that phase one will take all three years, then so be it. If He decides that I'm never going to Hillsboro, but in fact guide and lead me to another part of Kansas, then so be it. If He decides to bring me a mate while I'm in Charlotte, then so be it. Anything can happen with God. So, I although I've spent time and energy making this plan, I am foolish to think that template will be done exactly as given. That's where I give God full control and demand in this plan. I have only decided these things based on His "current" leading, not His future leading. I can only go as God leads me to do so; by that, I mean I will be guided through the mysterious promptings (nudgings) of the Holy Spirit, via the conscience, as well as the practical matters through which He may use to govern the outcome of my life (i.e. jobs, education opportunities, unexpected opportunities, ministry, etc). Thus, I must remain sensitive that God can change...no, rather, I must remain sensitive that God WILL change certain things if He decides that that change is more in tune with what He wants to do. So, I have to honor and submit with that.  But....in the long run, that's the plan, ladies-and-gents. My immediate transition to Kansas went from moving there this summer to moving there in the summer of 2012, if God gives me those three years as planned; it may be more or less depends on what happens when I get to Charlotte.

So far, though, I'm already getting this "foreshadowing" of what may happen in Charlotte, only due to certain things that have happened or is happening now. I'm no prophet, despite what my email address is (prophetninjaearth@yahoo.com), but my discernment (gift of the Holy Spirit, 1 Corinthians 12) or what I call my "sixth sense" is usually correct (when it's in the direct will of God) when God gives me an "aha" or "obvious" direction and hint of what's to come through circumstances and events in my life; the sense is confirmed when things line up with His Word, which is the final authority and confirmation in all matters. To put it a short and simply way, "Seek first the kingdom of God and it's righteousness and all other things will be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33).  The seeking of the kingdom and it's righteous is paying off all my debts, especially my student loan because I should "owe nothing to anyone except to love one another" (Romans 13:8, context 13:1-14). Once I do that, then I can render unto the Lord and give cheerfully and freely as He has blessed me. I will be able to use my gifts to build up the church and really live to be an example to those around me for the cause of Christ. Of course living for Christ isn't just about finances but I also seek to develop myself through spiritual means by finding ways to keep a steady, disciplined life studying the Scriptures and strengthening what He has given me, being faithful over little so that I may be faithful over many things.  My family has had their share of financial trouble;I seek to put this to an end in my life so that I can finally thank God that somebody in our family is actually "making it" which will bring a real blessing to my mom's heart to know at least one her sons is being productive in his life and following the Lord's direction.

So yeah, it's a long journey I have ahead of myself. But again, this is just a plan; it could take three, four, or even five years to do all of this. But despite all of this, I simply trust in the Lord and lean not on  my own understanding of the next course of my life. I figured since I"m ending my twenties rapidly, I go out preparing for my future with God. Whatever He gives my hand to prosper, I give Him praise. Pastor preached touched on how the culture defiines success as having alot like cars, houses, and having a cool imagine. To me, I define success as living out God's plan for my life and taking pleasure to what He has given me and plan to bless me with so that I can be a blessing to Him. I don't want a fancy a house, just a nice house that accomadates my needs and a car that runs well. For me, Reggie, to succeed, all I really want is only one thing: a mate, a companion. I want a woman of God who is so beautiful that her serving the Lord is the sexiest thing on the face of the planet. But if I am to care and spend the rest of my life my spouse, I need a solid career, good financial stable, and a car, a seasoned Biblical church, a strong relationship with the Lord, and a solid, stable life where I am content (in Christ). Gee...that sounds like what I"m planning, right? That's the whole point....but, another thought came to my mind when I was planning all of this. What if God decides not to bless me with a mate? GIVEN, that leads me to think of personal struggles I've had for a long time as well as magnify my singleness to a whole new level, it forces me to think about the focus and intent of these goals. If once I have all of this, apart from a mate, will I still love the Lord? The film "Facing the Giants" made me confront that question....I will have to simply reply, "The Lord gives, the Lord takes awa." In the words of Job. Honestly, that's all I really want is the woman. I'll be 1000 more joyful, and I'll be happy to the top of the earth if He decides to grant me the excellent woman (with her failures and shortcomings, or as I say...the perfect imperfect woman) that is after His own heart...and mine. The woman that follows God first, and then is willing to trust me as her leader and companion, who is willing to be with me despite the hardships of life and ministry, no mater how hard it gets, will never turn back and say "I can't do this anymore" but rather "I'll follow you as long as you follow Christ and if you should stop then I"ll just keep going til you catch up", is the woman I long to crown (through God's Sovereign will) as my bride. Marriage life, I was taught, is the hardest thing that two people can endure; both Scripture and practical application has taught me this. I know many wonderful and fascinating couples that have given me the honest truth about their marriages simply through example and observation. So, I know it's not easy, but man has the Lord given a heart for it. I just essentially want a woman who realizes the following things: the price of being with me will cost her her comfort, safety, and trust. We will experience extreme hardships that seek to split us up, that will cause us our emotional health, trust, wellbeing, and even our dreams. Being with me means being ridiculed and not being liked by friends and even family and coworkers, that will cost us our comfort, it will cost us moving to various places (via God's leading), long periods away from each other, our pet-peeves, and even our own agendas. It will cost her dreams, her life, and her sanity. It will cost me everything because I will care for her with my very own life, or even at the cost of my own life in order that I present her faultless before the throne of grace (Ephesians 5:22-33). It will cost me the same thing, if not more. It will cost her her sleep, her happiness, her sadness, her joy, her happiness; I will make her disappointed, I will fail her at times, I will not lead properly, I will frustrate her to the core, and I will seemingly be off in space trying to care for her while she is mad at me for something small or even something big. I'm essentially saying this: if a woman wants to be with me, then it must call her her life. My following Christ is costing my life and everything I ever wanted; if she's not willing to pay the same cost, then it's nice to have met you. She must be extreme, strong, a radical, and a leader. She must be the heroine of the story and not the follower of the masses. She essentially has to be different and the Lord's championess. Plus, above all, she has to realize that once she makes the decision to be with me it will be for the rest of her life (if that wasn't clear from what I said before above). Sounds like alot, right? It is. That's why this can't simply be just anyone, but just only one. Who is that lady? I finally know who she is: she is the one that says yes. That means what you think it is; that means that this woman has considered the cost of living for Christ and knows that she will die a martyr (whether metaphorically or literally is left up to God, as I don't know my own end, but I know that God will be glorified in my arrival in heaven) and that despite that the choice to be with me is to have two people walking towards the cross in order to die for the cause of Christ together. If I must go, then I'd rather go with another, but I have to walk alone, then I walk with my faith; either way, I walk with Christ either with one hand joined with another or both hands joined together with Christ the Lord.

SeeD

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven" Eccl 3:1

It's been a difficult time for my family and I, but because of many people, friends and family, it has been a time of thankfulness. My family has realized how much support we have from our coworkers and friends; you all have been very generous and giving in this time of lost and mourning for us and oneday we will be able to give you our thanks in full. In the meantime, my family and I have to pick up the pieces of what has been lost: the head of our family. My Dad may have had his moments, but he certain proved true in taking care of his family. Still, since has passing on the 24th of March, things have not been the same. The effects of his passing hasn't been evident very easily. I don't normally display my feelings so casually because I am reserved and internal. Only a select few have seen and know those emotional reels that roll in my heart. Not that I put on a face when certain people are around, but rather it depends on how close I am to a person. I've had people consistently ask me "Are you going to be okay?" At a certain point, I had to be honest and say "honestly, I'm not sure but I will be okay." The same thing is true now, although we've had the memorial service a few days ago. That's when I was hit the hardest about my dad's passing; reading his "will" in the program has been a huge mind molder and has moved me to the point of being fixedly decisive about certain things in my life. A big, big element has been removed from my life, but how close Dad and I were was enough to be there and then not really there, but being never there was something he wasn't until now. I won't go home now and find him playing The Whispers on the CD player anymore; that would be me jamming to his favorite music that sparked my interest while I was still growing up, mostly in high school. I won't go home and be asked about my hair and needing a haircut; that would be me realizing that I probably need one just out-of-instinct and because Mom said so. I won't go home and find dinner cooked nor will I go home and find things moved around; that stuff probably won't be so easy to do anymore. What I will find is that Dad will be present physically in a huge Urn kept safely someplace in the house with his picture displayed above it or beside it. With that said, I've realized the affect of Dad's passing on my life.